Chameleon in me

There is something you might like to know about me, I have spent the last 35+ years of my life being a people pleaser.   

My parents split up when I was tiny and I learnt to slip from one home and set of circumstances to another quite seamlessly.  Small judgements and questions that arose when around my adult carers would be quickly pushed away as I learnt to accept this constantly shifting status quo.  A small readjustment of my composure here, watching my words and pronunciation there, my change of outfits and hairstyles – these were all my tools I used to help me fit in smoothly and comfortably as I transitioned from one home to another.  I used to describe the two worlds I existed between as the “normal, working class side” (my mother and stepfather’s world) and the “posh side” (my Grandparents’ world) and I was dangled like a carrot on a stick in between both homes, often fought over.  I loved all my adult carers - my mother and stepfather’s humble roots kept me wonderfully grounded in contrast to my Grandparents, who actively tried to unroot me and pull me upwards into their world and way of being.     

I became an expert chameleon, learning to be everything to everyone, I spent my life operating from the ‘outside in’, my way of surviving and thriving and securing love.

To a certain extent, this pattern continued into adulthood as I subconsciously acted out what I thought ‘good’ mothers, wives and business ladies should be.  I became a pretty good cook - I can whip up macaroni cheese in minutes and I make a pretty satisfactory roast - and I try to be the one to wipe away my kids’ tears when they are sad.  I am quite good at trying to stack the dishwasher in the way that won’t get comments from my husband and, as an art dealer, I have negotiated and secured deals with my non-greedy and honest style, sometimes deliberately turning a blind eye when I haven’t been treated completely fairly back.  Over the years, I have learnt how to use my flexibility and interest in others to get things done but at the same time I have become quite the expert at not rocking any boats.  Experiences and behaviour that have kept me playing small in a big zone of uncomplicated comfort.

I can see that the chameleon in me has also been a gift in so many ways -  it has opened up my world view and enabled me to make long lasting human connections from all walks of life and has enriched my thinking with empathy and understanding. I wasn’t completely ‘in’ either camp growing up, which gave me an objectivity perhaps that others within my family didn’t/don’t have. BUT, from now on, I have decided to try and live the rest of my life not from the ‘outside in’ but from the ‘inside out’.

My new guide is not a family figure or a successful business trailblazer, no, she is my desired future self, the person I alone aspire to become. 

I call this ‘inner’ mentor by my Hebrew name, Nisya and she is forged out of the well of my unique life experience, she is the person I hope to become and I am just getting acquainted with her (she speaks awfully quietly).  If I can push through the comfort and leap into a new space I can begin to create my own unique contribution to the world around me.  It may rattle some cages and it may not - all of that’s okay as I know that it is over the edge of comfort where growth happens and I am teetering on that edge right now and I am ready to trust in her, in me, fully for the first time.